At The End, You Meet God

by August West

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1.
I've got a skunk on my shoulder, turned 20 this year but I feel like I'm getting somewhere, now I see God most every morning. & her strings are pulling me up and though they crack me up, most of the time they just tear me apart The damned dog, he just laughs at me - he's a dead dog - you know just what is going on - and I am, I am, I'm filthy with feelings my sun cast his own shadows but still peels my skin off Sometimes I live inside my own insides & I digest my anger I feel reckoned with and run over The hand of God sets my mind right-kind and I see light in August, I see Light Daisy died 2 weeks before you left Well I guess you got put out in the dog house again well, I've been working on my serendipity - Oh, I know I'm not alone on these by-myself mournings oh my- Dog barks but don't I feel better than this? I'm rocking on my front porch and my televisions always going the day runs itself out again just like the day before that one did & the day before that one, I looked again, at the sun, and he looked just like a swan or a ghost hanging above my own shape well, Amelia's in the basement, Amelia's in a painting and oh, Blue, won't you make it south? Your art - it fills up my room with this quiet sound Well she says, "I hate that painting! It's off-centered and unfinished and depressing and it's goddamn ugly!" Well I disagreed- it was my favorite piece Just then the hand of God set my mind right-kind and I saw light in August, I see light & I've seen people do good without being kind. well, may the rain weep your name, Emily Dickinson
2.
Acadia 03:49
When I hear that "Pavement" song about being so drunk in the late August sun I get a cigarette hand-passed down by God. When I lit it up it was a joint - He said, "That one was for missing the point." I still don't get it & you're always on my mind. Now: I grow crop circles in my garden, I chase my heart full of hope and desire, Now: I could happily lie down and die. Still, All the darkness in the world can't put out a single candle. I knew you better when I didn't know myself yet. I didn't get one back, though they said that they would write me back and I still think they meant it But why, and for how long? Star of Wonder blinked for us in Acadia and he was sensible enough not to tell us what it meant-
3.
Jonathon, you have so much to prove to yourself but they don't really seem to believe you, or like you. Jonathon, you have so much to lose - and you will. Fly south by yourself - it's the only way to really feel like yourself, and feel like yourself, you will. The flock back home cut you off their rope and the ocean feels like concrete but the sky must meet somewhere in between where it is you're from and where you're going when I was 9 years old I lived with my mother at cross roads there I saw you in the TV room you were on VHS My mother put you on the tv and I watched that bird while see attended a meeting that afternoon, A single seagull takes up the whole sky just like the night before, he's a shooting star on earth, he's the fastest diving bird and I think it's so great that you wanted to come back, and I think it's so great that you loved us like that but I don't think I'm brave like you are no, I don't think that I would want to come back because to be perfectly honest with you I don't really think that they're worth it but I've always been more bitter than a saint. but still - would you take me where you are, and would you make me a shooting star?
4.
When i get back to the southwest, i know that my sadness will be left in the north-eastern winters! When i get back to the southwest, ill learn how bad dogs have good days good dogs just whimper The south did me some DIRTY DEEDS took of my boots to wash my feet i boiled him with sugar beets oh God, why did you have to leave me? i said, "Oh mister Satan, won't you clean me of my feelings? I'm so goddamned dirty & I carry it all with me fill my body up with chlorine, toss it in the kitchen sink I have hurt the one I love I am hurting everyone." He said, "I ain't got no washtub for your sins but i could waterboard you in rattlesnake venom" At the ranch in West Virginia there is something in the kitchen banging pots at 330 in the morning and it asks me how i am! i say, "I am fine, sometimes" sometimes... The wind sounds just like people do, I wonder if we're passing through Caught in a wind of missing you, its pushing me from something new When I get back to the Southwest I know that all my bad shit will be left in that winter I ain't got no washtub for your sins but I could waterboard you in rattlesnake venom
5.
You said to me "Water is the enemy" after you jumped into the Potomac river, before you jumped you asked me to tell Jasper that you loved him and that you would miss him. Earlier that morning I climbed the mountain while you were sleeping in the hot broiler basement. Black Rock was hard - I smoked a cigarette with the Appalachian park ranger and I saw a blue hawk. I'm gonna miss you, and you're gonna miss me, but the things you used to do really scared me. So I'm gonna choose to just let you be, than rather stay in love and be in the basement. The stairs are my ruler. My job hangs on the wall, I don't want to look at Jeff's wound. Gotta side-step the rest of my brain, dress the pus - I burned my palm and it smelled like the ocean. I slapped it just to make sure because I was shouting at the blue god, "Water me! What are me!" Well, tell them I went to the holy mountain, and I am waiting for paint to dry. There's no touching tips where I set my walls - Oh, can you tell me where my angels have gone? Well, you can tell them I went to the holy mountain, and I am waiting for paint to dry. There's no touching tips where I set my walls, and me, and me, and me. Anime!
6.
Now that I have found you, I can finally focus on myself I am visited by the ghost that follows you around you've never heard her but I hear her rave everyday and at this point I'm unsure if she can even see me, what I move inside myself is sharpened by my own teeth and it rips me open to anybody who doesn't mind the smell of a skunk. I was sitting at the south station diner with the son of David - when he asked the waitress for some vinegar I caught her smiling at me They say, "you look so grounded" but I know what you are - you're a cloud caught on fire, The tide that returns to my center, you're the cowboy. And I've known you for so long. I've loved you for longer than that. Think that I saw you in a past life, and I think that I saw you in the one before that And when I saw the green light in you Well I knew a part of me was a part of you and I hope you never love anything as much as I love everything because you're the patches that I've been missing Coyote's tender heart is wrapped up in a wet blanket I'm running through his ranch and I'm naked and you radiate something I want to soak in and you radiate something I want to sulk in and you radiate something I want something I want something I want
7.
The "Good Morning!" sun swallows me the moment I wake up so I rise before the sun does some things last a long time, some things last a life time Mother cow, please fly over my pain she rolls her tongue of spirit all across my body and cleans off my story but you are a crow and too sardonic for that ancient magic You are a crow, and I am shining, shining in the meadow You are a crow and I am something shining in the meadow, I am something shining in the meadow
8.
9.
Jesus was a sheep, was a woman, was blood was blood running through my body like water Chickens get a taste of my meat now Chickens get a taste of my meat now My old man Coyote puts a cowgirl in his coffee she looks just like a dead gun & I am struck quiet by it I am left with her red sunglasses No costume at the halloween party that makes me an easy target I guess she wore red sunglasses partly cus opossum is playing dead with her compassion again and she's gone now- I think I wanna be gone, wanna be gone too- And today I was feeling a certain way I'm down by the river filling up my double spine Today I was feeling a certain way I'm down by the river filling up my double spine So it's beer in the morning for breakfast again and time runs out faster than I can smoke myself out of myself ran into myself in the "Dog Hell" and she's gone now, I think I want to be gone too
10.
I know where my blessings come from, I know where my blessings come from & I'm trying to be grateful for the things I have no control over like death and parting I was walking down the mountain when I started a Blue Heron I didn't see him til he flew right past me, and I felt seen I felt loved by my angels oh my God, It's been a lonely year, but the heron doesn't fly a flock either Lord, take me to the crick let me drain myself of it, myself of it I am suck a freak I ain't got no courage left, I'm just a baby bird but at the other side of the river, I saw him the boy who lives on the other side of the mirror and he had two spines and he was filling up with blues Lord take me to the crick, let me drown myself in it, myself in it I am suck a freak I ain't got no courage left, I'm just a unicorn but at the other side of the river, I saw him The boy who lives on the other side of the mirror
11.
12.
13.
Porch Yell 03:56
you said that that that that that that that that that oh, you said so many things! you said, you said it, you said it, oh you know that you said so many things but i only listened to what I knew already. You said that..... there were too many things on the window sill for you to even see what was out there and I cut down the tree so that maybe you could see from outside? And I know how to not point the finger but I'm gonna do it anyways and i know that she doesn't like it but I am screaming on the porch- "Mama go tell! Go tell Aunt Sandra that the hot water's on! Go tell her that you know it might run out if you dont come now, it might run out if you dont come now..." and you said so many damn things! but i was only listening to what i already knew. and I don't wanna learn anything new- I know too much already! And I'm still learning! I'm still learning.... And you said so many things you could have wrote a letter! but you didn't - no instead you just talked to me and i had to stand there and BLOCK YOU OUT!
14.
Been a Year 07:09
15.
Jonathon you have so much to prove to yourself but they don't really seem to believe you or like you but jonathon, you have so much to lose, and you will fly south by yourself, its the only way to really FEEL like yourself, feel like yourself the flock back home cut you off their rope and the ocean feels like concrete but the sky must meet somewhere in between where it is youre from & where youre going. When i was 9 years old i lived with my mother at crossroads. There i saw you in the TV room- you were on VHS stacked on top of Scooby-Doo my mother put you on the TV and I watched that bird while she attended a meeting that afternoon i learned just what it really means to not know what you are but still know just what you need. A single seagull takes up the whole sky like the night before he's a shooting star on Earth He's the fastest diving bird the sun god made way for his ways cut out boredom, anger, and fear he was excommunicated- so it goes that he was lifted! If the tower did not fall, he'd be the same as all seagulls but why does this have to hurt? Why can't I just be loved? Well you are and you'll find that out! its deeper down than those fish you've found- but if you truly seek it you might not come back up.
16.
"You will have another chance to live this life" the voice ringing in my ear says you'll wake up when you're alive forgetting who you were before - and you'll keep living this life until you've returned to the universe and at the end, you meet God, wearing a face that shows your whole life as it was flashing before your eyes - do you not choose to hide? Your face in your hands - To weep, to cry. Do you hide your face to cry? When your whole life flashes before your eyes do you choose to hide your face to cry At the end you meet God & do you choose to hide your face in your hands to weep when you stand to say - "This was my human condition", and I am happy grateful for it. We blame God for being alive but you thank God for not dying in those times but you thank God for not dying in those times You'll wake up when you're alive
17.

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released November 8, 2022

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August West Portland, Maine

green light!
swamp swan,
old man coyote
aint got no swash

poem and songs by August West

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